I’m sorry I even fucking considered dying ever I have better ways of dealing with things I’m just a fucking idiot. I have friends who actually love me and I’m driving them crazy because I’m minimizing their efforts
And I know they’re all trying really hard
They all love me
I just lose sight of that
FUCK my mental recovery was going so well why did this memory have to resurface and ruin everything I’ve done

Okay yes less people here on this blog
I dont
Want to die
I just want to stop making people upset
Because I sought out my purposed and I soul searched and I found out that my purpose is to make people happy. That’s why I was put here.
I’m not very good at it though. I make people worry, get angry, I disappoint people and I can’t even make myself happy.
My heart is so jam packed full of love and wanting to share it with others but I can’t.
And then something like this happens, this memory rears its ugly head and I can’t even drunk water or sleep because all I can do is relive that memory. Over. And over. And over. And over.
And reliving it makes me want to die but
I don’t actually want to
I just want it to stop
And I want to make people happy
But I can’t as long as Im not happy
This is bullshit
And no one will even talk to me about it.
I get “I don’t want to hear it” or “Suck it up” but this is a memory I will never fucking get rid of
Fucking never

I’ve been getting muscle spasms a lot lately

Medical update, I got the results of the urodynamics test back, and I’ve got an easily fixable problem. I’ll be okay. I’ve also discussed ovary surgery with my surgeon. She said it’s possible but she wants me to think about it. I have an appointment to tell her my decision in April! I’m finally getting better. I’m going to be alright.

Medical update
Done the urodynamic test.
Results will be in by March. I start school on friday. My head and back are in severe pain. 8/10 right now.

Today is an okay day. Minimal back pain at 1 pm. Very tired though. Still confused about the results of my sleep test. I want to sleep. I’m also very nervous about tomorrow’s hospital visit. Might take a nap now.

Turning this into a medical blog to keep track of my progression.
Today’s entry, I found out in two days I’m going for a urodynamic test.
Back brace is annoying.
Back pain is at 5 out of ten.
More tomorrow

I literally cant fucking breathe i keep shaking and crying I fucking hate myself im go ign

I’m fucking seething why am I so stupid

Why am I not dead